Free PDF I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship, by Mira Kirshenbaum
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I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship, by Mira Kirshenbaum
Free PDF I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship, by Mira Kirshenbaum
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Review
Praise for I Love You But I Don't Trust You“This book, based on so much experience and wisdom, will be tremendously useful for millions of people in relationships where trust has been damaged. I found important insights and suggestions everywhere.”—Pepper Schwartz, author of Love Between Equals“If you want to find your way back to the people you love, this book is a must read. It offers a step-by-step map for rebuilding trust and helping you find peace within.”—Michele Wiener-Davis, author of Divorce Busting“A path breaking book on restoring trust in relationships. A wonderful read based on deeply felt experiences.”—Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of How Can I Forgive You?“This practical must read book is for anyone who has ever suffered the hurt and pain of mistrust. Mira Kirshenbaum wisely takes you on a journey exploring the difficulties of betrayal, suspicion and harmful mistakes. Kirshenbaum’s gifted insights are profound and they show you how to restore trust with your closest loved ones.”—Lee Raffel, M.S.W., author of I Hate Conflict!“Mira Kirshenbaum has hit another one out of the park. Her no-nonsense approach offers thoughtful, practical step-by-step methods to assess whether and how to rebuild the trust in your relationship.”—Diana Mercer, J.D., co-author, Making Divorce Work“[Kirshenbaum] gives brave advice for overcoming the devastating effects of betrayed trust, and gives hope that we actually might be able to salvage and repair important relationships, or at least know that we have choices we can make. Thank you for this much needed guidebook to trust—the essential building block of all relationships.”—Carol Evans, President, Working Mother Media
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About the Author
Mira Kirshenbaum is the author of eleven books translated into twenty languages and a two-time finalist for the Books for a Better Life award. She is clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute, an internationally recognized center for research and psychotherapy. She has trained clinicians at Harvard Medical School and other institutions.
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Product details
Paperback: 304 pages
Publisher: Berkley; Original edition (February 7, 2012)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9780425245316
ISBN-13: 978-0425245316
ASIN: 0425245314
Product Dimensions:
5.3 x 0.8 x 8 inches
Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.3 out of 5 stars
180 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#9,976 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
This book is recommended as a first-read following a betrayal and as a go-to when feeling stuck in the recovery process. It is organized into three sections.In Part One, the author has a hopeful tone and conveys her understanding of the deep pain of experiencing betrayal, both in how it alters how one views themselves and changes the world in which they live. This section normalizes the feelings that come with betrayals of all sorts, and inserts hope for restoration of trust. She opens up about her own personal experience of recovering from betray with her husband, which can provide a sort of validation about her recommendations that therapists cannot (because we are trained not to self-disclose).One of the most helpful takeaways early on is the concept that once there has been a hope or an expectation of recovery established, many couples may set an unreasonably high expectations for perfect behavior. The author warns appropriately that due to relationships involving two imperfect people, there are going to be setbacks and mistakes from both partners. There is also a good description of the helpless/angry and under-attack/defensive dynamic that prevents couples from healing. Finally, there is a focus on the difference between safety and trust, which may be something many have never considered before. (c5)A key concept is that “you can only regain trust if you let go of some of your need for safety,†meaning there is a need to tolerate vulnerability to built trust. It explains how the more one partner does to feel safe, the more it makes the other partner feel unsafe (as in, withdrawing to feel safe causes your partner to feel insecure about your love for him/her).Part Two is focused on how to restore trust. It starts with a great description of the trust-betrayal-anxiety-unreliable emotional path that keeps many couples stuck (p103). It then covers Six Questions and asserts that knowing the answers to these questions makes all the differences in whether trust can be rebuilt (p105). There is then a chapter to address each of the six questions.A frequent question I receive is how long will/should the anger and healing process last; this is addressed in a helpful section beginning on p.126. The accusation/defense trap (p150) is also a common pattern I witness, and using the described way of expressing/listening is key to recovery.Part Three is about restoring trust in other situations, such as when one partner is unreliable, when there are power imbalances, and when the couple has significant differences in expectations. A chapter is devoted to how to navigate having differences in openness and honesty, which can trap couples in a cycle of suspicion and withdrawal. There is also powerful information about why people who have been hurt or lied to in the past tend to find themselves in dishonest/untrusting relationships.IN SUM: Not only is this a helpful first book to read following betrayal, it would also be helpful later down the road when feeling ‘stuck’ in the recovery process. I think the hurt partner who is in shock and feeling crazy with grief will find the normalizing, casual tone soothing and comforting. The person who has been trying for months to recover from the pain will find it helpful in offering a different way to think about things, and an action plan for the areas of stuck-ness. The partner who feels sincerely regretful about what they did--and who wants desperately to help the one they love--will find it useful to see that there is a path out of the pain, the blame/defend cycle, and the shame/remorse they feel. It is both realistic and hopeful, which is a good balance for a book of this topic. 
I am half way through the book, and it has helped me so much during the most difficult time in my life. It has helped me understand what I am feeling and why I am better than my marriage counselor did. (Needless to say I fired him). If you are going through a major betrayal rather it be from getting cheated on, your loved one gambled away everything, or is hiding money. Or anything in between this book will help you. It will even give you the questions you need to ask yourself if the relationship is worth saving, And that was a big one for me, I feel like the more I read this book the easier it has been for me to heal.
Some of this was a little hard to agree with. Seems a little superficial and doesn't hit the root of mistrust.
Read all the single star reviews before purchasing this book!!! If you're dealing with any kind of sexual betrayal, skip this book! There are multiple potentially triggering instances throughout. I agree with the other 1 star reviewers saying the auther is blaming the spouse, excusing bad behavior from the betrayer etc. Those reviewers offer specific examples of some instances in the book that are some of the instances that bothered me as well. I wasn't far in when I was already unhappy that I was reading/ listening to this book. I continued reading upon my husband's request, after he had read it and asked me to. I had to take multiple breaks after being seriously triggered, and was waiting for the real advice and suggestions for helpful steps to rebuild trust, other than to say "don't lie anymore" which she states as if it were a revelation. Then, I came across this example she offers regarding how to respond to your spouse so that they will trust you enough to share..."If this woman wants to have a vibrant, open, and exciting sex life with her husband, then if Bozo says to his wife that he wonders if she’s open to trying a threesome, she’d better not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Otherwise he won’t share any of his adventurous ideas in the future. What she needs to say is something like, “I’m so glad you shared that with me. [Remember: welcoming a suggestion is very different from agreeing to it.] I love it that you feel comfortable enough to take a risk and share some adventurous ideas with me. As for this particular idea, I have to say that it’s just not for me. But I hope you’ll keep bringing fresh ideas to me. The more, the better.â€I wish someone had been here to witness my eye roll of a lifetime, and to hear the swearing that came out of my mouth. Both of these things are uncharacteristic for me, but they were my sincere reaction.This is a clear case of the author not knowing, caring about, or grasping what the majority of her audience has experienced and are trying to heal from. She acknowledges multiple times that many spouses have come to this book in the hopes that they can trust again after infidelity. This and other examples she uses were poorly chosen, potentially triggering, and her solutions for dealing with them were excusing of bad... no, terrible behavior! She continually attempts to put ownership on the innocent spouse and minimizes the severity and seriously damaging affects of the betrayals.One last gripe I have-She doesn't really cover dealing with multiple betrayals. I kept expecting her to, but she continued to give example after example of spouse's who make one bad choice and that's it. I think that's often not the case and rebuilding trust becomes more complicated the more it's been broken. Overall, I wish I hadn't bothered with this book. After talking to my husband he admits to skimming it, which is how he reads, as I am much more thorough. There were a few things he took away from it like the "don't lie anymore" concept, and that the betrayed spouse needs to feel understood. I'll be continuing my search for better books on this subject.
I bought this book for both my fiancé and I. We are into self-help books to help our relationship grow strong and heal. This book I thought would help us but instead it gave us a bad vibe once we got into the second chapter. This therapist has some issues. She’s jaded. I won’t allow her “advice†to come in between what me and my fiancé have so far built together. There’s better books out there. We did not like it.
I love this book! She is so informative and helpful. I actually highlighted and re read parts of the book. I wish I could meet her. The book reads like you're taking to the author.
Spot on for where I am and have been for some time, covers many many scenarios and absolutely challenges the reader to step out of their painful position and examine it from all angles, even when you really really REALLY don't want to. I've listened to it via my Kindle several times through and keep revisiting it.
Good book to spur some needed conversations in our marriage. Helpful to understand where we are and where we can do better.
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